I wonder sometimes what would happen if I went to a different school or didn’t take the road trip or made that phone call. Would I be who I am? Would I be in this position I am? I always believed in fate, destiny and karma. Extra spiritual things that happen. I truly believe that whatever you put into the universe it will be returned to you. Thats why I don’t intentionally do bad things or hurt people. Its not in my blood. The way i been receiving things though you would truly think otherwise. You would think like “What the hell has Luck been doing to get all this shit done to her?” And like you I honestly ask myself this question every day. Is my life bad? No. I truly feel like the lucky ones out here. But there are some aspects of my life i question. I been lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused (mentally and physically), hospitalized all at the hands of someone I loved. I give 100000% of me.I try to never disappoint people and I open my heart to everyone. That maybe my down side, the fact that I am so open, but with my heart being so huge, its hard not to. I can’t pass a homeless person without giving something that I have, I can’t walk by a stranger thats not smiling and at least smile, I can’t see my friends struggle, I can’t not make people smile. A lot of people go through life wondering, What the fuck am I here for, but at a young age I noticed how happy I made people, how seeing people smile brought so much joy to my heart and I knew that God gave me this gift of making people happy and that was my purpose. I knew that I had a mind for creativity, maybe not drawing or musically, but I knew how to make things sparkle, the LUCK TOUCH. I saw my ability to connect with people, how I made friends so easily. How people attached to me, I love it. Im not a people person, but I know how to connect. It was my gift. I felt like I was given a smile that drew people to me and after that, nothing but net. I like being clutch. Being the go to person, being depended on. I always deliver, I never fail.
I ask God everyday, WHY ME? and something inside says, WHY NOT YOU? I look at my journey and I had so many blessings along the way of every step of hell I endured. I met some of the most beautiful people that I would have never known if I didn’t attend ECU. I admit the past 6 years of my life haven’t been sunny. No I haven’t been truly happy in a long time but I know my time is coming because I been through my hell. Too many times at that. So I keep praying my heaven is coming.
I smile for people because you never know what other people are going through, so its never right to me to ever frown and put my worries on you. Theres always somebody who’s going through the worst. I don’t like telling my friends, whats going on. Its not their problem so why put that on them. If your around me enough, you should see it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve yes, but I won’t confess to it.
Ever since HS I was always told “My heads were in the clouds” or “I believe in love too much” or “I give people too much credit” my answer is, there isn’t enough people who believe in love. I want the picket fence, the golden retriever named skip, the 6 kids screaming around the house, my husband cutting grass and I just envision myself smiling at all of this. I don’t want to be rich, I don’t want fame, I want to live comfortably and provide for my family and their future. I want a successful life in every aspect. Wanting millions, the limelight, the fans… y’all can have the bullshit. Give me piece of mind and happiness. Thats it.
I apologize for the randomness… Hence “No direction”