Risk. Dream. Love.

Tomorrow, Im going to post what I hope to find eventually… Im too lazy to do it now, but Im going to try and explain my wants and how I am in a nut shell….Yeaaa lets see how this works.

What do you do when you HAVE to walk away from the person you love? What do you say to change the past and make everything just like it was when it was “perfect”? What do you do when even though your brain is telling you this is the right thing, your heart is calling you a fool? What about when the person your in love with lets you walk away? Do you get mad cause they finally give up? Or do you think to yourself “finally”? 

I have seen “love” in many forms. I have even seen loved ones get hurt by this “Love” thing. Each day I ask myself “Luck, why do you believe in it so much when its done nothing but cause you pain” I always say to myself “God, told me love is the greatest of all. That love is a beautiful thing when its found with the right person”  Its a hard thing to be in love. You want everything to be perfect. You want each day with that person to be more memorable than the last. You want to envision all the great things you two are capable of accomplishing together. You want to be that couple that makes others believe in love again.

What happens when all those dreams are shattered? When you feel like your living in a nightmare and no matter what you do you cannot wake up?! What happens when you pull someone else in that nightmare, hoping if you found your happiness in them you’ll wake up and be somewhere different? so you start to feel like finally its there, you reach but something you do shatters it. So now your panicking trying to pick up every broken glass, when your not doing anything but cutting yourself. The more you bleed the more your thinking, ill keep going until its fixed, I did this, its my fault, I got to fix this. Not knowing your slowly killing yourself cause the more you pick up the deeper the cut. 

Little do you know though that the love you thought you had in someone else was displacement. Your looking for that love that you lost in someone else. So when your think your fighting for them, in all reality your fighting for the love you lost. Thats the scary thing. Your crying… but for who? Them or the other person? So many things has happened in the past year that I wish I could forget every minute but a part of me sees the good moments that happened and i smile. I think about the time I knew when I fell in love with you. I think about the time when I first held your hand. I think about the time we first kissed in public. Those are the moments that keep me going. No matter what you put me through seeing that smile, I fell in love with you everyday. Everyday I found a reason to stay and not walk away from you. Everyday I knew how special you meant to me. Nothing in my soul wanted to share you with anyone else. To know someone else is kissing you, holding you, or even breathing your air, i couldn’t let it happen.

Me walking away from you tonight was the hardest thing I EVER had to do. I know if I love you, I have to let you go. Real love doesn’t keep anyone hostage knowing both parties aren’t happy. One person has to walk away to save the both of you. I had to make that sacrifice  for you. for us. I love you too much to see you suffer like you have. I can’t do this to you anymore. You made my world complete in the year you been apart of it. You made me feel love in a different way. I can never thank you enough for that. You made me smile so many times, you made me fall in love everyday. Whoever thought that could be possible. You made that happen tho.

I love you more than words can express. I will always love you. You’ll always be my number 1. Your what ppl now have to catch up to. If they can’t do better than you, I don’t want it. Its you and always will be.

I have love sitting with me in my lap… His name is Bentley. He’s so much more than a dog. He symbolizes the greatest love i ever had. He symbolizes our love. Each time I hold him. I hold you. You mean everything to me. Always will be babe. Your it. You have my heart. 

I love YOU.

I wonder sometimes what would happen if I went to a different school or didn’t take the road trip or made that phone call. Would I be who I am? Would I be in this position I am? I always believed in fate, destiny and karma. Extra spiritual things that happen. I truly believe that whatever you put into the universe it will be returned to you. Thats why I don’t intentionally do bad things or hurt people. Its not in my blood. The way i been receiving things though you would truly think otherwise. You would think like “What the hell has Luck been doing to get all this shit done to her?” And like you I honestly ask myself this question every day. Is my life bad? No. I truly feel like the lucky ones out here. But there are some aspects of my life i question. I been lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused (mentally and physically), hospitalized all at the hands of someone I loved. I give 100000% of me.I try to never disappoint people and I open my heart to everyone. That maybe my down side, the fact that I am so open, but with my heart being so huge, its hard not to. I can’t pass a homeless person without giving something that I have, I can’t walk by a stranger thats not smiling and at least smile, I can’t see my friends struggle, I can’t not make people smile. A lot of people go through life wondering, What the fuck am I here for, but at a young age I noticed how happy I made people, how seeing people smile brought so much joy to my heart and I knew that God gave me this gift of making people happy and that was my purpose. I knew that I had a mind for creativity, maybe not drawing or musically, but I knew how to make things sparkle, the LUCK TOUCH. I saw my ability to connect with people, how I made friends so easily. How people attached to me, I love it. Im not a people person, but I know how to connect. It was my gift. I felt like I was given a smile that drew people to me and after that, nothing but net. I like being clutch. Being the go to person, being depended on. I always deliver, I never fail. 

I ask God everyday, WHY ME? and something inside says, WHY NOT YOU? I look at my journey and I had so many blessings along the way of every step of hell I endured. I met some of the most beautiful people that I would have never known if I didn’t attend ECU. I admit the past 6 years of my life haven’t been sunny. No I haven’t been truly happy in a long time but I know my time is coming because I been through my hell. Too many times at that. So I keep praying my heaven is coming.

I smile for people because you never know what other people are going through, so its never right to me to ever frown and put my worries on you. Theres always somebody who’s going through the worst. I don’t like telling my friends, whats going on. Its not their problem so why put that on them. If your around me enough, you should see it. I wear my emotions on my sleeve yes, but I won’t confess to it. 

Ever since HS I was always told “My heads were in the clouds” or “I believe in love too much” or “I give people too much credit” my answer is, there isn’t enough people who believe in love. I want the picket fence, the golden retriever named skip, the 6 kids screaming around the house, my husband cutting grass and I just envision myself smiling at all of this. I don’t want to be rich, I don’t want fame, I want to live comfortably and provide for my family and their future. I want a successful life in every aspect. Wanting millions, the limelight, the fans… y’all can have the bullshit. Give me piece of mind and happiness. Thats it. 

I apologize for the randomness… Hence “No direction”